Britney Spears' Publicist David Petraeus: "VMA Objectives, in Large Measure, Have Been Met"

Here is the official statement on Britney's performance at the VMAs by Britney's new flack, David Petraeus:

Mr. Perez Hilton, ranking bloggers, members of the tabloid media, thank you for the opportunity to provide my assessment of the situation at the VMAs, and to discuss the recommendations I recently provided to my client, her entourage and her accidental children for the way forward.

The entertainment objectives of the VMA performance have, in large measure, been met. The singing and dancing challenges at the VMAs, however, were exascerbated by malign actions by Sarah Silverman and Kanye West. Lack of adequate leg-muscle capacity, lingering baby weight, and easily located quantities of Haagen-Dazs and vodka have added to Britney's difficulties. To compensate, Britney has successfully employed non-kinetic means for singing and dancing.

I am pleased to report that in the face of the brutal summer heat of Beverly Hills, the overall number of Brit-cidents has declined in eight of the past 12 weeks, with the number of Brit-cidents in the last two weeks at the lowest levels seen since June 2006. The number of overall bouts of Britney-inspired nausea among civilians also declined during this period, although the numbers in each area are still at troubling levels.

One reason for the VMA success and decline in Brit-cidents is that, with the help of armor-plated umbrellas, Britney has dealt significant blows to al Paparazzi across Hollywood. Though al Paparazzi and its affiliates, including West and Silverman, remain dangerous, Britney has taken away a number of their sanctuaries and gained the initiative in many areas.

Britney's singing and dancing capacity has continued to improve, albeit slowly and amid continuing concerns about substance abuse and generally high levels of craziness. Based on this, and on the further progress we believe we can achieve over the next few months, I believe that we will be able to reduce craziness to the pre-Federline level by next summer.

Beyond that, while noting that Britney remains complex, difficult and downright frustrating, I also believe that it is possible to achieve Britney's objective for a career comeback over time, although doing so will be neither quick nor easy. There will likely be additional setbacks and tough losses of underwear along the way.

We do not, however, just rely on gut feel, however substantial that gut may be. We endeavor to ensure our analysis of the tabloids is conducted with rigor and consistency, as our ability to achieve a nuanced understanding of the Britney environment is dependent on collecting and analyzing data in a consistent way over time.

The number of suicides resulting directly from Britney's VMA performance has been exaggerated.

Al Paparazzi is certainly not defeated. However -- like Britney -- it is off balance, and Britney's comeback is on track thanks to her successful VMA initiative.

Thank you.